W) Hi Tim! Thank you for taking time from your busy daily schedule to discuss your work! I am a big fan of yours!
TP) Hello. I never tire of hearing from fans. I’m delighted to be discussing my work with you and can only imagine how honored you must feel to actually be conversing with me!
W) Oh, yes! I am so, so very honored. First let me ask, your Amazon profile lists you as “Timothy Poteet” and “Timboliah Pants on Fiyah.” Which is your real name? If you don’t have a real name, do you have a favorite fake one?
TP) Many people assume that “Timboliah Pants on Fiyah” is my ‘real name’ citing it as more ‘believable’ than “Timothy Poteet.” My birth certificate says “Timothy Poteet.” As for favorite fake names: “Rick”, “Dalequan” and “Mahmoud”.
W) So, you would prefer to be called “Rick”or “Mahmoud?” For simplicity, may I call you “Tim”? You may call me “Wandrwoman” or “Dalequan”.
TP) Being a fan of simplicity, I once tried to follow the lead of the artist formerly known as Prince by changing my name to a symbol. It was basically an upside down exclamation point followed by the symbol for the British Pound Sterling all encased in an ellipse. I abandoned the moniker though after the first time I tried to order a pizza.
W) Zzzzzzzz. Let’s move on. Your first Amazon reviews date back to May, 2009. In fact, on May 22, 2009 you wrote your first three reviews: Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt, Tuscan Whole Milk, and The Platinum and Diamond Ring. This is quite impressive, to write three reviews (one a Haiku) on your first “outing”. Do you remember anything about this day? Were you home sick, or something like that? Can you discuss your original creative intent and inspiration?
TP) On that day, I read my first Amazon reviews ever. The Three Wolf Moon shirt and it’s outrageously funny parody reviews had been featured in an online news blurb. I checked it out and thought, yes… I think I’ll spend some time doing this. I was at work that day, (surfing the web on my lunch break if my boss is reading this). As for the Haiku, I believe it was just a little flair inspired by the fact that I had worn a full traditional Kabuki dance costume to work that day. I had intended to perform an interpretive dance in the lunchroom, but got sidetracked with the Amazon reviews and the rest as they say is history.
W) So, you “claim” that your knowledge of Kabuki dance inspired your Haiku? I would like to quote it here:
A Haiku about Tuscan Whole Milk
Washing down doughnuts,
Unexpectedly I found,
Nectar of the gods!
I find your assertion troubling….that you were inspired by Kabuki. Although Haiku is a traditional Japanese literary form, neither dairy products nor doughnuts are traditional Japanese foods. Nectar of the gods is not Japanese either. How do you explain this?
TP) Well, I don’t actually have any formal knowledge of Kabuki. I got the suit at a garage sale. When I perform in it, I basically just put on some Enya music and I hop about with a real serious look on my face while waving my arms around dramatically. Mostly the audience doesn’t question the authenticity of my performance. In fact, they generally seem to try to avoid making eye contact with me.
W) Do you have any creative techniques to assist you when you write Haiku? For instance do you use your fingers to count out the number of syllables? Some Haiku writers find finger counting very helpful as well as relaxing.
TP) No. That’s really weird!
W) I see. I am weird. Did you actually ever purchase the
Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt? Did it change your life? How?
TP) Indeed I did purchase the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt (sleeveless). Amazon has somehow re-assigned the ASIN# to a pair of ladies shoes now, but my review (edited to reflect the bizarre shoe conversion) still stands. Has it changed my life? No. Has it brought intense feelings of sexual longing to the women who encounter me wearing it? Quite likely. The shirt is badass. Can I say badass here? Anyhoo, it’s a sweet shirt.
W) You can say anything you want on this blog. You may even say “badass”, just not more than twice, please.
By the way, are you wearing the shirt now?
I suddenly feel this strange and powerful attraction…
TP) Yes, I am wearing the shirt. ONLY the shirt.
W) Cough. I notice very few AVP (Amazon Verified Purchase) badges attached to your reviews. Does this mean you are reviewing items that you do not own? Do you agree that these “fake” reviews are cheating honest customers and you should go to prison? A Yes/No answer only, please.
TP) On the advice of counsel, (my buddy Earl) I’d like to assert my fifth amendment right to not answer that question.
W) OK, let’s move on to your Kazoo review. Do you really recommend the Grover-Trophy Metal Kazoo (Standard) over the Grover-Trophy Plastic Kazoo (Standard)? Can you really play “Afternoon Delight” on the kazoo? What about “Stairway to Heaven”? Do you play any other instruments? Why?
TP) Great questions. I do indeed really recommend the Grover-Trophy Metal Kazoo (Standard) over the Grover-Trophy Plastic Kazoo (Standard). I understand that not everyone can afford the upgrade, but for those who are well-heeled enough to spend the extra dollar and some change, they won’t be disappointed. I can play “Afternoon Delight” and I can wail out a kazoo version of “Stairway to Heaven” that is guaranteed to have everyone within earshot holding a lit Bic lighter up in the air to acknowledge the awesomeness. I do play other instruments. I play the guitar. I would venture to say that I play it better than the person reading this interview right now. Yes, I’m talking to you. Why? Why would I want to keep all this awesomeness bottled up on the inside?
W) On August 13, 2009 you reviewed Redneck Trucker Hat and then you disappeared from sight until October 29th 2009 when you penned your masterpiece, Parent Child Testing Device. What was happening during this fallow period? Were you training, honing your skills, writing draft after draft? Please speak about your creative inspiration and motivation during this time.
TP) Yeah this question comes up a lot in interviews. After Redneck Trucker Hat I just felt like I needed to take a couple of months off…recharge the batteries… I spent those first few weeks in total silence meditating and chanting in an ashram in Paducah, Kentucky. That’s right I said chanting in total silence. Don’t question it. After I slipped out of the ashram without paying my bar tab, I spent the next couple of weeks enjoying my new-found state of enlightenment. I would walk the streets of Dayton, OH and mingle with the mendicants, the hobos, and the less fortunate. Often, I would even refrain from spitting on them. Those were heady times.
Throughout this entire period I refused to contemplate review writing under any circumstances. I would get the occasional fan who would reach out and beg for my next review, but I rejected their pleas unmercifully. I went to bed on October 28th content with the idea that I may never write another review unless a truly worthy product presented itself.
The next day I went into the office… summoned my secretary on the intercom and asked her to come in and take dictation for what would become the Parent Child Testing Product, my current magnum opus. OK, I don’t have a secretary. I demanded that a female colleague take dictation. She told me that I could stuff my dictation up my own rectum. Still in a negotiating mood, I acquiesced to her objections but made a counter-offer… “Well, how about getting me a cup of coffee?” So I got my own coffee and wrote down my own review. That’s just how I roll… self-sufficient you might say.
W) Question 7. Parent Child Testing Device is without question, your masterpiece. It has attracted over 415 positive votes. Not only does it make me laugh every time I read it, I hate your guts because I didn’t write it myself. Why do you think this review is so successful, while say, the Redneck Trucker Hat review received only 2 votes? How did you find this product to review? What was your inspiration? Why is the item no longer available? Do you think Amazon hates you and is doing this to punish you? Do you think there should be a ‘Reviewer Amazon Testing Device’?
TP) I notice that you cleverly labeled this Question 7, however closer examination reveals that within question 7 are more questions than the current Certified Public Accountant exam contains. Don’t let that happen again or this interview is OVER… got it? What was the question?
W) Sorry for the numbering malfunction! Allow me to rephrase my question. Why do you think your Parent Child Testing Device review is considered to be your masterpiece?
TP) Well, it is difficult for me to say what makes that one review resonate with the masses more than my other efforts. I guess maybe to put it in technical terms, it sucked less than the others.
W) Once again, you are being overly modest! In my opinion, this review is extremely funny because it parodies the essentials of the most successful “straight” review.
W) I have noticed that your more recent reviews are veering towards the risqué! In fact, some of them are outright smutty. Why is this so?
TP) I don’t know that there is a reason for that. Maybe there are just more risqué products on the market in today’s world. Back in the golden era of review writing you could busy yourself with Frisbees, hula hoops, pong, Dan Fogelberg songs…these days, its dildos and genital jewelry.
W) So, you review these sexual products merely because they are available on Amazon? You are not trying to shock your loyal readership?
TP) Maybe subconsciously I was hoping to broaden my fan base to include a new demographic. The ‘kinky chick’ demographic.
W) What other criteria, besides trying to attract ‘kinky chicks’ , do you use to select what you review?
TP) I like to write about something that strikes me as incongruous. You learn as you go that some of the most benign products will have people who pop up and rabidly attack you for mocking their Holy Grail product with a parody review. The sunscreen crowd was a surprisingly surly bunch.
W) Ah yes, your infamous review of Badger Sunscreen SPF 30! You took enormous artistic license and misrepresented the product’s fundamental intent. It’s not really a sunscreen for badgers, is it? You took a lot of heat for this! Any regrets?
W) One positive result of your Badger Sunscreen SPF 30 review is that you have been deified by the small rodent community. Not many Amazon reviewers can claim this.
TP) Right, I may be the only reviewer deified by small rodents. Interestingly, there is a fellow reviewer who got belligerent with me in the comments section to my review of the Cum-thru Penis Plug who is rumored to have been vilified by the gerbil community but that is not something I really like to think about. (I feel a little bit naughty mentioning the name of that product… I hope there are no children or elderly folks reading this???)
W) I believe my only readers are children and elderly folks. I wouldn’t worry about it though, they enjoy smut-talk. What are your favorite reviews that you wrote?
TP) I do find that sometimes the ones I think are the best only get a “yeah…so?” reception from the review critics. I did know that I had penned something special when I finished Parent Child Testing Product. I loved Badger Sunscreen. Yodeling Pickle is special. I think the one on How to Avoid Large Ships is pretty funny but people aren’t loving it for some reason… What-evuh! I have one on the UK Amazon called Sex Bell that I think is pretty funny.
W) What are your favorite reviews you didn’t write?
TP) I like the Poe spoof review of Tuscan Milk. And there are several other Tuscan Milk reviews that brought me to tears. I like some of McBowler Pimp’s reviews. I like so many Wandrwoman reviews I couldn’t even pick one.
W) Ooh! Really? (Blushes, flips hair, bats eyelashes)
W) Final Question: Do you have any plans to review more inflatable turkey products?
TP) All turkey products, either inflatable, wearable or both… are subject to review.
W) Thank you Tim! This has been truly enlightening! ~